


A short story of loss and recollection

by Chaos_Kisses



Category: VICTON (Band), X1 (Korea Band)
Genre: Hurt and comfort, M/M, Other, Sad, Seungwoo misses X1, Songfic, What are Tags?, achronological, hinted romance - Freeform, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:47:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23106466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaos_Kisses/pseuds/Chaos_Kisses
Summary: I saw your photo for the first time in a whileAll the happy days, all the way on the bottom of your timelineActually, I couldn’t erase themAll those days I spent with youWith everything returning to the original state, one would expect normalcy to return. But if the past is still too prominent, it can't be left behind that easily. And does it have to be left behind at all?
Relationships: hinted! Han Seungwoo/Kang Seungsik
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	A short story of loss and recollection

**Author's Note:**

> This is me trying to get back into the flow of writing and dealing with everything that happened with X1. So I'm just gonna drop this and the second part will come at some point too. 
> 
> Enjoy! (Or don't, your choice)

_I saw your photo for the first time in a while_ _  
_ _All the happy days, all the way on the bottom of your timeline_ _  
_ _Actually, I couldn’t erase them_ _  
_ _All those days I spent with you_

It had been tense. More tense than expected. Or maybe it had been foolish to expect it not to be. But he was going in circles. 

The return hadn’t exactly been the return any of them had hoped for or expected either. Or maybe they were just bad at predictions. He hoped it was the former because if anyone could have predicted this - no, would it have been better? He highly doubted that. 

He had missed the older. All of them had, more than half of them would ever say and more than he knew how to express himself. Seungwoo leaving them for a while, five years, had been almost expected at some point. Him rising in the ranks had given them time to prepare. If not for his ankle, Byungchan too might have even left. But with the way it turned out, only Seungwoo did. 

Their leader. The one they all relied on the most. Their designated dad, as the younger ones joked. Their pillar. Maybe that last one wasn’t exactly right. They were able to stand alone as a group, they had even been trained for it in case someone decided to leave. They had plans on how to cover empty spaces and lines. But it had been a hard blow. Even harder because they knew he would be just in reach, but still out of it. 

It wasn’t even about jealousy. Some playful jabs here and there, “Hyung has adopted new children!” and the like. But none of them would ever blame Seungwoo - or the other members of X1. Seungsik knew some of them himself, introduced on Music Shows or through Byungchan with his social butterfly skills. But he had to admit that he felt a slight pang in his heart. 

He hadn’t wanted to see the other go. Even with knowing he’d come back. 

They hadn’t parted on the best terms either. Emotions running high, left to battle it out on a minefield of exhaustion, anxiety and fear. More complicated emotions woven into it but not explicitly named, suddenly exposed on the day before the second elimination just when they were dropping Seungwoo off. Their manager had stepped out for a moment with Byungchan and they were left alone.

“Hyung, are you making the right calls?”

“What do you mean?”

“Is this the smart thing to do? With the way things are going, it’s becoming risky.”

“Risky? Don’t you mean fortunate? Or auspicious?”

“I don’t know - do you? Because with the way this is going you are going to desert us.”

Clenched teeth. Eyes boring into each other, hard gaze mirroring the other. 

“You know I’m not doing this to desert you. But what do you expect me to do? Let everyone down? Let the boys down? Step back and leave for no good reason?”

Silence. Eyes flitting over faces in a short standstill.

“We both know I’m doing this for us, but also for them. We knew why we were going from the get-go and we might fail to get there if we stop now. But we both know that I can’t just desert _them._ You know me. I can’t.”

“But you can desert us.” 

Silence. Broken gazes, eyes fixed on the windows of the car they were in. 

“You’re being unfair, Sik.” 

“I’m not the only one here doing it.” 

“You know I don’t want to go, but I am in a bind!”

“So you say.”

“So it _is_! What are you - I don’t want to leave all of you! And I know you don’t want me to leave either. But what can I do, what would change this?”

“Maybe _I_ don’t want you to go. Maybe _I_ want you to stay.”

The silence was deafening. 

“You don’t mean that.”

“What?”

“You don’t. I know you, you don’t mean that. Not after all this time.” 

“Why wouldn’t it have changed?”

“If it did,” a piercing gaze landed on him - “you wouldn’t have waited till now - or you would wait it out. But not like this. This isn’t how this works.”

More silence. Suffocating, thought-dampening and choking. 

“I’ll see you in a week.” 

_Your pretty face is still so clear_ _  
_ _Your voice that melted my heart_ _  
_ _No matter where I am or what I do_ _  
_ _Traces of you follow me_

He had been right, after all. In retrospect, Seungsik could admit to himself that he had been desperate. He had been grasping for straws in an attempt to keep him. And Seungwoo had read him easily enough, as he always did. He had apologised afterwards, when the older had returned a week later and Seungwoo had accepted it. But still, the fear had remained and became truth after all. 

It seemed like it had all been so long ago while only a few months, barely more than half a year had passed since the final decision. Seungwoo had left them sad and happy at the same time and the younger had to admit to himself that if his endeavour had been successful, many things would have been different - but none of them happy. 

Their comeback without their leader had been successful while Seungsik was taking over as interim leader. He was glad his members were well behaved - and fewer than what he knew the older was handling. Their first song had been incredibly successful despite all the obstacles put in their way and each of his Victon members was proud of them. He himself had been, and he had easily admitted it. But when the news about the voting scandal hit and everything started going downhill he started wondering if maybe he should have insisted, should have taken that comparably small agony and pain instead of seeing all of X1 suffer through this. 

He knew it was egoistic of him. But he couldn’t help it. 

Seungwoo had returned to their dorms several times, sometimes for only a few hours, sometimes for a day or two. Must mostly, he was with X1. And they understood: this wasn’t something they could help him with, as much as they wanted to. It didn’t matter, because in the end they weren’t involved in everything. And when the final decision was made, Seungsik couldn’t help but cry himself, cry for those lost boys and their dreams, lost in the crossfire. 

This wasn’t what anyone had expected, or wanted for that matter. Despite everything he had been thinking, he didn’t want that outcome to happen. Because there were more things tied to it than just their group wanting to keep their leader. This was bigger than them.

When Seungwoo had returned to their dorm the next time it had been to stay. It was late afternoon, most of them being home for a change, when the front door opened and the telltale sound of suitcase wheels clicking had sounded against the floorboards. Seungsik had sat up on the sofa where he had been reading, Subin’s head on his lap and Chan sleeping soundly while snuggling into his side, Seungsik’s arm around his shoulder. 

The sound of the door had alerted Subin too and the younger had opened his eyes, the brown irises fluttering around the room for a second before they fixed on the older for a moment. Then he got up, carefully, in an attempt not to wake Chan and made his way to the entrance were Seungwoo had stepped in and was taking off his shoes.

When he had straightened up again and his gaze fell on Subin, countless emotions seemed to run across his face but the younger just stepped up closer. 

“Welcome back, hyung.”

It was his usual greeting, voice even and not betraying any emotions. But Subin’s eyes were too expressive to hide anything from Seungwoo, Seungsik knew. It took only a second for their oldest to study the boy in front of him before he opened his arms and Subin promptly stepped into them, burying his face in the older man’s shoulder, who in turn nuzzled into his hair. 

Seungsik felt his chest tighten as he watched the scene. It was something he had seen many times, and at the same time never before. Seungwoo didn’t return Subin’s greeting as he usually did, nor did their maknae have his usual smile. He had sounded careful - almost anxious - when he was speaking, unsure about boundaries. 

Seungsik automatically tightened his embrace on Chan who was still snoozing away peacefully, averting his eyes form the pair at the entrance, focussing on the sleeping boy by his side. His eyebrows were slightly scrunched, a frown visible on his forehead and lips in a pout. Seungsik wasn’t sure if he was imagining the slight puffiness of his eyes from crying earlier, a sign of all the frustration he had felt over that whole situation. His warmth was reassuring against his side, proof that they were still here and that it wouldn’t just go up in smoke.

A shuffling sound from the hallway had him redirect his attention to where a sleepy Hanse had just left his room and was going in a straight, though slightly wobbly line towards Seungwoo and Subin. The older looked up as he heard the sound and opened his arms, pulling their rapper into the embrace too. His head lifted for a moment and Seungsik unconsciously held his breath. 

Their eyes locked. He could see the pain behind them easily, barely concealed. The frustration, the anger. The resignation. And the question. 

_Are you happy now?_ They seemed to ask. No malice behind them, just sadness and disappointment. And Seungsik knew they were searching his eyes for an answer, a reply. But he didn’t know it himself. Was he happy? Was he relieved? What was he feeling?

He didn’t know. 

_The sunlight looks so bright_ _  
_ _It’s warm like that day_ _  
_ _Seems like you’ll be in pain_ _  
_ _Over those pictures too_

Something akin to normalcy had returned to their life with Seungwoo moving back into the dorm. Seungsik had easily relinquished his room to the oldest again - he was pretty sure he would need some space and time to figure everything out. And he wouldn’t make that harder on him. They were all together again, even preparing for their next album already. 

But at the same time, so much was different. None of them had been sure on how to act in the beginning. Happiness seemed unfitting, considering everything. But treading on eggshells and being sad themselves didn’t help either. In a short emergency meeting when Seungwoo had been occupied with management for his fansign schedule, they had gathered and decided on one thing unanimously: They would hold back a bit, but they would try to act as normally as possible. 

And they did. It worked too, so their plan had been a success. Dragging Hanse and Seungwoo from the studio had become normalcy again. Seungwoo scolding the younger ones for being loud late into the night, or reprimanding Byungchan when he was going overboard with practise again despite his ankle acting up. Seungsik trying to somehow keep some resemblance of tidiness in their dorm with the help of their oldest, relaying questions between management and the members when Seungwoo was still too preoccupied with other organisational matters and providing comfort for the members. 

But he and Seungwoo, they had become different. It was somehow colder, more quiet between them. At first, Seungsik had thought that the older was needing some more time to move on and to make peace with everything before he would open up to them again. He had been partially right about this, but not entirely. 

Something was still smouldering between them, their conflict remaining unresolved and questions unanswered. Accusations made and never taken back, unresolved emotions of the past - they were all affecting their present. It wasn’t a war of roses or a stalemate - quite the opposite. It was like ice. Something between them that couldn’t be seen properly but that was distorting reality as they saw it. They didn’t spend time together as they did before, their conversations lacked a certain warmth. They weren’t avoiding each other either - but they were avoiding closeness.

Be it physical proximity or just a long talk back in the dorms, a coffee run or just a little walk. Seungsik had attempted to return to some of their usual habits, but he was met with a blockade he wasn’t expecting, one that stung even more than a rejection. Something wavering between indifference and uncomfortableness. Seungwoo agreed to most of his offerings, but only from what seemed like a sense of duty. Their walks were quiet and choking, any proximity had a certain awkwardness to it. It was like some flowers had been left in a vase in a closed off room. But by now, they weren’t just wilting - something was decaying, and it was starting to suffocate the whole room.

_I can’t cut you out of my heart  
_ _I’m still lingering around you_ _  
_ _I can’t take my finger off the call button_ _  
_ _I can’t, I can’t_

Seungwoo hadn’t really returned to them, after all. He was lingering. And understandably so. 

He was out a lot, meeting up with the X1 members, calling the kids as he called them and checking in with the others. Apart from working on Victon’s new album, he was carefully monitoring all of their appearances, keeping in touch and supporting them. It was admirable. 

But it was also painful, even for an outsider. 

More often than not, Seungsik had heard his voice tremble as he was speaking quietly into his phone, had seen the barely concealed tears in the older’s eyes as he stared at the small screen. His finger trembled as it pressed the call button when he dialled Yohan’s number one day, Byungchan perched beside him. But when the younger boy picked up the phone on the other end of the line, his voice had sounded nothing but cheerful and encouraging. 

Seungsik had watched them from the door frame of the kitchen, slightly out of view. He had turned around as the call connected, deciding he didn’t want to listen in on them - it was private after all. He had made himself a cup of tea and sat down at the kitchen table, trying to sort through his mails from management instead. 

When he had stepped into the living room again, they seemed to be saying their goodbyes, Byungchan already standing to leave for a shoot he had that day. With a final wave at the older man still on the sofa, he turned around and quickly scurried towards the door, grabbing his coat and bag on the way. Seungsik’s eyes trailed after him until Seungwoo’s voice had reached his ears again. 

“How are you holding up?”

It sounded so much smaller, so much sadder than before. A tinny voice came through the receiver. 

“It hurts. You know it does- you better than anyone.” 

Seungwoo sighed, leaning his head forward against his wrist for a moment. He looked so much smaller with his knees pulled up to his chest and arms held close to his body. So much more vulnerable. And hurt. 

“I know,” he replied eventually. “But I’m asking you.” 

A sigh sounded. 

“I’m getting by,” Yohan replied slowly. “I’m at the company a lot, but I’ve been meeting up with the members and I’m in contact with most of them a lot.” 

Seungwoo’s head shot up at that. 

“Most of them?” He sounded worried, but was met with a chuckle.

“Gyul and Dohyonnie are busy - MBK seems to be planning something for them - and Seungyounie hyung is hard to reach.” A short silence. “Actually, I’m a bit worried about him. Gyul says he’s not able to properly get in contact with him a lot.”

The older sighed. 

“I know. He’s holed up in his studio most of the time. But don’t worry.” He leaned back a bit. “I was able to contact Hongjoong, and he told me, he and Eden especially are looking out for him, as well as his UNIQ members. He’s not on his own.” 

“That’s a relief then.” 

Seungsik realised he was chewing on his lower lip. He had met Seungyoun once and he remembered the man as cheerful and lively, a social butterfly surpassing even Byungchan. It wasn’t too surprising, considering everything he too had gone through, but it was still worrying to hear he was avoiding people. 

He turned around and stepped back into the kitchen. He shouldn’t listen in on something private. 

_My life is so bad compared to your SNS_ _  
_ _They said I should’ve treated you better when I had you_ _  
_ _Yeah, this is a waste of time, why am I doing this?_ _  
_ _Feels like my days are empty, so I’m filling up my glass again_ _  
_ _Go back, back to those times, to that happiness_

Frustration. That seemed to be a prominent emotion in Seungwoo these days. They had never experienced him like this. The older was spacing out at times, eyes unfocussed and mind somewhere else as they tried to refit their choreographies for seven people and go over their older ones. It resulted in a considerable amount of stumbling and chaos, as well as exasperation on the part of their instructor. 

Seungwoo especially was receiving a lot of that criticism, though not unwarranted. All of them were unsure how to go about it. The older man seemed incredibly tense whenever he was full with them, but seemed to snap too easily. Brushing off help and encouraging words with a grunt and the wave of a hand turned into glasses more often than not the longer their day dragged on. His words turned snappy as Chan tried his best to lead him through the steps and formations, body rigid. 

Their first attempt at recording “Nightmare” was exactly that. A nightmare. The producer had tasked them with monitoring the recording themselves, considering how much Seungwoo and Hanse were involved in the production process. But the older was strict. Incredibly strict. 

Hanse seemed unsure how to handle the icy atmosphere that started taking over as Seungwoo’s comments became shorter and snappier with each take. Seungsik was ushering the younger ones to record first and so they had luckily been out of the way when it exploded. Only Chan was still left with Seungsik, waiting for his turn while Hanse and Seungwoo were talking lowly. Their voices had been quiet enough in the beginning but now they were getting louder. Seungsik and Chan had become quiet and were exchanging worried glances when Hanse spoke up at normal volume. 

“Hyung, if we’re supposed to get anything done today you need to make up your mind on what you are expecting. I’ve been quiet for the recording because I thought you had a plan in mind, but this-” he gestured at the screen- “this is getting us nowhere! It’s not coherent!”

“I know!” Seungwoo hissed, hair tousled from his fingers running through it countless times and his face a mask of frustration. 

“So what are we gonna do?” 

“I don’t know that either!” 

“Hyung - “

“I don’t know Hanse! You tell me!” Seungwoo bellowed out and Seungsik felt Chan flinch beside him. Hanse seemed shocked. His face was impassive but Seungsik saw the signs of insecurity and something akin to fear creep onto his features. Not fear of Seungwoo, but fear of where this situation was leading. 

Seungsik stood from his seat. 

“I think you need a break, hyung.” he said evenly, voice calm and collected. Both men turned to him, surprise in varying degrees on their faces. 

“Wh-”

“You should step out and take a break,” the younger continued, eyes now meeting Seungwoo’s. They were dark and confused, with red rims. He must have slept fitfully. If he even did. “Let Hanse take over for the rest and try to get yourself together.”

Seungwoo’s eyes narrowed. 

“We need to get this done, I can’t just-”

“You just said you’re stuck,” Seungsik interrupted him. “If that’s the case, let Hanse take over and see if he gets anywhere.”

Hard words. Hard eyes, fixed on each other. A minute passed in silence as the older stared at him, mulling over his words. Suddenly he stood up. Chan flinched again and Hanse’s head shot around from where it had been fixed on Seungsik too. 

But the older man just grabbed his phone and jacket before he opened the door and left the studio. The silence stayed. Seungsik let out a breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding. 

“Okay,” he said. “Let’s see what we can do.”

_I thought I’d forget you but you’re still so clear_ _  
_ _I thought I’d be alright but I need you_ _  
_ _No matter where I am or what I do_ _  
_ _I can’t fill up your empty spot_

“We’re not enough, are we?” 

Subin sounded resigned instead of sad as he breathed the words. Seungsik wordlessly opened his arms and the younger stepped into it. 

“Did you think we would be?” he asked with no bite in his voice. A short silence ensued as the younger nuzzled into his sweater, arms tightly around the other. Eventually he shook his head, face hidden. 

“But still…” he mumbled and Seungsik laughed mirthlessly. 

“It hurts, doesn't it?” he asked and Subin nodded. “We knew it wouldn’t be easy, no matter how it would end. But it doesn’t make it easier to shoulder it.” 

“Nothing we do seems to help.” The boy in his arms sounded so small, so much younger. He was still a bit shy, still avoiding conflict. And even when Seungwoo went up to apologise to them after snapping, offering comfort it was still a heavy burden on their youngest. On all of them.

“I just feel like I’m failing him.” 

Seungsik sighed and rested his cheek on the younger’s head. 

“Give him time,” he said. “And approach him. Don’t avoid him. Tell him how you feel.”

The familiar scent of Subin felt calming and he swayed from side to side as he spoke. 

“He loves you. He won’t be mad if you tell him. But it won’t be easy on him either.” 

Subin hummed noncommittally. He had to decide on his own, Seungsik concluded. The boy he was holding was an adult, had been for a while now. But it was hard to wrap his head around it. He still saw their small boy. 

“Hyung,” he whispered, bringing Seungsik back to the present. “What happened between you and hyung? You are so different from before - different than he is with us.”

How should he answer that? Could he even answer it?

“We…” he started but the words seemed to fail him. He racked his brain but the answer didn’t come up. Subin waited. 

“We have baggage,” he said eventually. “We need to sort through it at some point, I am aware. But I’m not sure if now would be the best time.” 

Subin hummed again. He didn’t know what had happened but he knew them well enough to understand anyways. 

“But don’t wait too long,” he said, “so the distance doesn’t become permanent.”

_Come back to me, though you can’t hear me_ _  
_ _Though you won’t feel the same way, love_ _  
_ _Come back, come back_

 _The you of the past, the you that I remember_ _  
_ _Is still so bright but why are we so dark?_ _  
_ _I won’t look for you anymore_ _  
_ _I don’t follow that shh nah mean_ _  
_ _Trapped in my shattered phone, right here_

“Do you have a moment?”

The words came unexpected. Seungsik hadn’t expected to be spoken to as he went through the almost empty dorm. Least of all he had expected Seungwoo to be the one. He turned around and looked at the older. His door was open and the man was leaning against the doorframe, clad in sweatpants and a hoodie, his hair falling into his eyes. It was getting long again. He almost looked like back then.

Seungsik turned around. 

“I do,” he replied and Seungwoo stepped back, opening the entrance to his room. Seungsik was almost tempted to raise an eyebrow but decided against it. Instead, he stepped forward and went past the other, his arm brushing against the older’s chest. The room looked a lot like it did before Seungwoo had left, but he decided not to let his eyes linger too much. The older would have a reason to want to speak to him and so he sat down in the desk chair instead. 

Seungwoo pulled the door close and followed, sitting on his bed instead. The umade sheets and soft warm glow of the small lamp made him look incredibly soft, smoothing out hard lines and leaving him in a warm glow. Seungsik let his eyes wander for a moment while the older seemed to gather his thoughts. 

“Subin came to me,” he started out and the younger focussed again. Seungwoo was looking at his hands that laid in his lap. 

“He told me he is scared.” 

Seungsik didn’t know what to say. The silence that enveloped them seemed so absolute he barely dared to breathe. It lasted only a moment but it felt longer. 

“He told me he was unsure how to act around me because I’ve been snappy and off lately. And he’s right.” A bitter laugh punctuated the statemeant. 

“I’ve been more than just off, and I need to fix it. It’s not you guys’ fault and I know I’m helping nobody with acting like this.” 

Seungsik wanted to interject, tell him it was understandable but Seungwoo seemed to read him and held up a hand.

“I know. I need time, but I can’t expect it to just heal by itself.” 

The silence returned. 

“But more than that,” the older continued, voice quieter than before, “He was scared about what was happening to us. How we are growing apart.” 

It felt like a punch to the heart, hearing it like this. But Seungsik was unable to reply. Even if he did, what would he say? He knew he didn’t have to verify that statement, and he knew the older was aware of that too. But what was he supposed to do? He didn’t have a plan, a solution - hell, he wasn’t even sure at this point on how he should talk to Seungwoo!

“Seungsik -” his eyes snapped back to the older who was still looking at his hands “- we both know we haven’t talked some things out. For too long of a time. And at this point…”

Seungsik swallowed.

“At this point we’re left with two options,” he continued. “Either continue ignoring and letting everything deteriorate. Or talk it out, despite the risk.” 

Seungwoo looked up. His eyes seemed almost hollow and so tired. 

“I think…” he started, voice growing more quiet. “I think we need to talk it out. If only to clear the air and get to a status quo.” 

“For the others too,” the younger man added. “We can’t leave them in a fallout like this.” 

“True.”

_The sunlight looks so bright_ _  
_ _It’s warm like that day_ _  
_ _Seems like you’ll be in pain_ _  
_ _Over those pictures too_

Silence ensued between them. It wasn’t uncomfortable this time, just contemplative. 

“Are you happy?” 

The question seemed strange, but Seungsik knew what he meant. He remembered the look Seungwoo had given him when he had returned. 

“I’m relieved, I guess. Relieved to have you back and to see the other’s closer to you again. They missed you so much.”

Seungwoo turned his head away when Seungsik looked up at him, features contorted into what seemed to be pain breaking through a carefully crafted facade. 

“We all did. But we never wanted it to end this way - you know that, right?”

The older sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. 

“I just…” he started. “I’m picking up the pieces. And not just mine. There’s a lot that happened and it’s not something I can just get over and leave behind me. There are too many people connected to it and too many things I…”

“We don’t expect you to just leave it.” 

His words seemed to surprise the leader. His head turned to face Seungsik, eyes wide and inquiring. 

“We wouldn’t ask you to do that. We don’t know what you feel, but we understand. All of us do. We never expected you to get back and everything is fine again.”

Another sigh. They seemed to be doing this a lot these days. 

“I think I know that,” the older conceded. “But at the same time I owe to you to properly come back. You - this is my family! Has been for a long time already!” 

“But so are they.” 

Seungwoo had been running his hands through his hair. Now he stopped, expression pained, confused, hair sticking up at angles. There had been no bite in Seungsik’s words but they had hit deep, apparently. 

“That much was clear when you decided to go with them to the end.” Seungsik averted his eyes for a second. Then he looked back, steeling himself. 

“It’s your nature I guess. You need to protect, support. And I knew that from the beginning. That day - what I said was unfair. I was trying to keep you with us because I was scared you would be leaving us behind. That we were not that important anymore or wouldn’t be.”

Seungwoo’s mouth was slightly open, but he kept quiet. 

“I was not being fair, I admit that. And neither do I blame you for what you said, nor for any of your decisions. But if you think this,” he gestured, “makes me happy you are absolutely wrong. I don’t enjoy seeing you sad, I don’t like how everyone is walking on eggshells.”

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. 

“I hate how all these decisions were made without you, and how many dreams fell apart through it. I feel sorry for those boys, I feel sorry for you and I know that doesn’t make it better.” 

He paused for a second. His eyes had been flying over the room, the walls, everything, as his voice became faster. Now, his tone was calmer, eyes fixed on the older. 

_I can’t cut you out of my heart_ _  
_ _I’m still lingering around you_ _  
_ _I can’t take my finger off the call button_ _  
_ _I can’t, I can’t_

“But I’m here, you know? And I don’t know how and if I can help, but I will if you let me. And I don’t want us to grow apart anymore. I- I don’t think I could live with that, not for the sake of you, me or the kids. Not with everything we’ve been through.” 

Seungwoo seemed stunned. He was silent, his face still a mask of surprise, unmoving. 

“What I said to you that day,” the younger continued and Seungwoo flinched slightly. “I did say it to make you stay. And that wasn’t right of me, because you were right - I should have waited it out, or said something earlier.” 

Seungwoo seemed to tense.

“I didn’t. But that doesn’t mean -” he paused, unsure of how to say this. But if straight forward had worked until now then maybe he should continue it. 

“I meant it. It came out at the wrong time and with the wrong intention, but I meant it. It has changed for me, and I don’t expect everything to change or for you to…”

He trailed off for a second, cheeks growing hot and eyes fixed on a crease in Seungwoo’s blanket. 

“I just want you to know that I meant it. And I still do. But I’m sorry for the way I said it, and that I hurt you.” 

“Sik, I…” 

“Wait.” 

He held up a hand, interrupting the older. 

“Let me finish this?” 

A nod encouraged him to go on. 

“What I’m trying to say is - you don’t have to go back to before. You don’t have to be two different people. And you don’t have to take it on on your own. But you have to let us in, and you have to believe us that we don’t want you to just leave it all behind and move on. But we want you to come back home to us, if only for comfort. We’re here. And we understand.”

“I know.” 

It came out so quietly. So soft, fragile and airy Seungsik would have missed it if he wasn’t so concentrated on the older.

“No matter what has happened between us or where we’re going - I’m here. And I’m still the same as before when it comes to you. I’m still here for you and I don’t want us to fall apart. But it will take time and work. And for that -” 

His voice almost broke and he felt raw. 

“Please let me in again.” he whispered. “Don’t keep it from me like a second life or something forbidden. Let me be there when you need me. And even if it’s egoistic to ask - please do the same for me again.”

His head felt empty. He didn’t know what more to say. His eyes were still fixed on the blanket, slightly blurry with unshed tears, his hands hind tightly clenched fists. His breathing was surprisingly calm but his heart was almost beating out of his chest. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to keep everything at bay, almost missing the rustling and light footsteps. 

“I miss you.” 

The voice was closer than expected, and oh so warm. Warm and sad. A hand fell onto his head, sliding through the strands of his hair and coming to rest at the back of his skull above his nape. He opened his eyes to see a figure right in front of him. 

Seungwoo crouched down, their faces slightly different in height. His eyes were studying the younger’s face, flitting over his features. They came to rest on his eyes. 

“I miss you,” he repeated. “And it will take time. Time, work and patience.” 

Seungsik returned his gaze, his hands unclenching some of the tenseness leaving his body. 

“I’m fine with that,” he replied.

_The sunlight looks so bright_ _  
_ _It’s warm like that day_ _  
_ _Seems like you’ll be in pain_ _  
_ _Over those pictures too_

He was in the kitchen making tea for the two of them. The rest of the members were out, on schedules or on their own and would only be returning late - or need to be dragged back in the case of Hanse. Seungsik watched the green color of the tea leaves swirling around the once clear water, like water colours. It was calming in a way. The familiar aroma of the tea he associated with late night talks and home filled the kitchen and invaded his senses. He had missed that too. 

Carefully, he removed the strained with the tea leaves and filled two cups with the steaming liquid, grabbing them and switching off the light on his way out. Only the yellowish glow from down the hallway guided him as he tried not to spill any liquid.

The door was still wide open as he stepped into the room. Seungwoo looked up from his bed, back leaned against the wall and legs hidden under a blanket. His phone was in his hand and a soft voice was speaking to him through it. He smiled at Seungsik. 

“Hey.” 

The other person he seemed to be speaking to stopped mid-sentence and Seungwoo waved Seungsik in. The younger hesitated for a moment - he didn’t want to interrupt. But the older man seemed to read him and shook his head lightly, prompting Seungsik to follow his call. He stepped closer, holding out a mug to Seungwoo who took it and sat down, scooting up beside the older when he patted the spot. 

“Hyung?” the voice sounded from the device again, screen now turned towards the ceiling. Seungwoo chuckled. 

“I want to introduce you to someone, Wooseok,” he replied and righted the screen, showing both Seungsik and Seungwoo. Seungsik took in the other: a button nose, round glasses, large eyes. A handsome face, studying him with an open gaze. Then the other smiled. 

“Took you long enough, hyung!” he said. “I’ve started wondering if you were keeping your members from us, despite you talking about them that much!” 

Seungsik blinked in surprise while Seungwoo put on a decidedly too innocent face to be real. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you, Seungsik-ssi,” Wooseok continued. “Even if it’s via screen.”

Seungsik couldn’t help but smile. The other man - he had only met him on a music show once, and only in passing too - seemed friendly but with a sharp tongue. 

“It’s nice to meet you too, Wooseok-ssi.” 

“Gosh, you’re being awfully formal, Seok´,” Seungwoo interjected. “Why not call him hyung, you didn’t hesitate with me.” 

Wooseok raised a perfectly shaped eyebrow at the older. 

“I have manners when it counts, you know,” he said nonchalantly and Seungsik snorted while Seungwoo gaped. 

“Anyways, as I was saying, I had barely stepped into the dorm when I fell over a lanky idiot in an olaf onesie with Sunyoul screeching off his ears…” 

Seungsik listened to the story in amusement, stretching out his legs. Wooseok seemed to be happy throwing in insults at random times, but he could easily guess that this was his way of showing affection for his members. He chuckled at some of the more colourful remarks. 

A warm weight started to settle against his side as both he and Seungwoo got more comfortable, and the warmth spread through his whole body when a head was laid onto his shoulder carefully. 

It would take time and work. But they would get there.

_I saw your photo for the first time in a while_ _  
_ _All the happy days, all the way on the bottom of your timeline_

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Did you cry? Please tell me you didn't cry. I already made someone cry with this, I feel guilty.
> 
> But if you like it? Leave us a comment or talk to us on Twitter if you have questions or just want to chat! I promise we don't bite. (@chaos_kisses)


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